Ladies, imagine you’re dating a guy who has 95% of the traits on the “my future husband” list you made when you were 20 and have been revising ever since. You have good chemistry, every date feels like it’s the best one yet and you’re relishing every moment with him. Maybe you’ve even taken it back to middle school and you may or may not have neatly written your first name with his last name when you had a free moment at work while dreaming about how your genes would combine to make the cutest little babies. (Ok, maybe that was just me at 30 going on 13 years old). And suddenly BAM! – the whole thing is over so fast you feel dumb for even thinking it was really real, or really possible. The dude turns out to be a work-a-holic who can’t be bothered to see you more than once a month, a commitment-phobe- or worse, you progress with him and think you’re in a real relationship and find out he’s player, liar, jerk or cheater who has a whole nother life; OR he simply loses interest and ghosts. What happened?!
Like many women, I found myself in this position a few times before marrying my husband. It’s was an AWFUL feeling made worse by the fact that I always blamed myself. I have a tendency to internalize things because it gives me the illusion of being in control. I could do something differently next time.
So I blamed myself for choosing wrong. For ignoring red flags. For being naive. For wanting it too badly. For being too aloof, too available or too unavailable. For being vulnerable enough to be disappointed. Again. For being hurt-able. For taking a chance on the wrong one. For looking silly. For being a human who wants to connect deeply with another human and become that human’s spouse.
I blamed myself for being hurt-able. For taking a chance on the wrong one. For looking silly. For being a human who wants to connect deeply with another human and become that human’s spouse.
Ladies (and guys, too), if you’ve ever felt this way, know that you’re in good company. It’s normal for us to get down on ourselves or depressed when relationships don’t work out. However, your negative feelings about yourself aren’t always right, but God’s word is. He said that it’s all a part of his perfect plan for your life right in His word:
And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
It doesn’t say Your purpose but it does say God’s purpose. If someone you’re dating doesn’t want to act right, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, often it just means he was not a part of God’s purpose for your life and that’s ok. Frankly, God’s will could be for this person to get lost and stop distracting you from seeking Him and finding out His amazing plan for your life.
If you find yourself feeling rejected, ignored or strung along indefinitely by someone you loved or thought you had a future with, don’t beat yourself up about it. This can be a good time to just love on yourself and address the ways you reject your own self by being overly critical of you. If you are accustomed to negative thoughts about yourself and are beginning to believe you are not good enough to attract the right people to you, it may be time to take a break and do things to nourish your heart, like mentoring, getting more fit than you’ve ever been, joining a Meetup or singles group and spending lots of time with God. Once you take the focus off yourself and focus on the ONLY one who can fill the empty places in your heart, you’ll begin to heal and feel the relief of God’s love and acceptance. Self-acceptance will surely follow. You’ll see yourself as worthy, full and whole because you’ll be impacting others and having fun doing so.
This can be a good time to just love on yourself and address the ways you reject your own self by being overly critical of you.
But don’t stop there, continue to spend time with God and ask Him to renew your mind. Ask Him to make you more like Him. Ask Him to give you a heart for the things of God. Ask Him for passion and purpose.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4
The beautiful thing that happens is that as we become like Him and allow him to mold our hearts, our heart’s desires become what He wants us to have! We’ll begin to exclusively want His will for our lives as we surrender our own plans of what we wanted. The more we seek Him and surrender our plans, the more He gives us what we desire- which is more of Him and His will. And if it’s in His plan for you to be a loving spouse, know that it’s as good as done.
And if it’s in His plan for you to be a loving spouse, know that it’s as good as done.
You’re free to focus on your mission, not a man or woman who can’t give you the relationship you want. While you’re busy pursuing your purpose, your spouse will come alongside you and you won’t have to worry about him rejecting you. Your spouse will need YOU to complete his mission and wouldn’t take the chance of losing you. He’ll appreciate the gift you are to him!
So the next time you feel you’re being rejected by a man or woman, realize that you are really being protected by your loving Father. God will shield you from you own worldly desires and people who aren’t good for you and give you a desire for the very things that He wants to give you. He’ll help you surrender your wants and give you a taste for His perfect will for your life. If that includes a God-fearing and loving spouse, it’s yours. Maybe not exactly when you think it’s time, but in God’s timing. Now, how perfect is that?